English Blog 2BTX: October 2012

10 October 2012

DOES TRUE LOVE EXIST?

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True Love! We all dream of being in love with that significant other, at some point in our lives. Is it better to have loved once than not to have loved at all? If this is really the case, then how do we actually find true love? How can a man or a woman really get to the core of the whole relationship game? What are the rules of such a game?

More often than not, it is not uncommon to find that either one partner feels really strongly about the other, whilst the other just bides time because he or she is the only one “available" at the time.

The keyto marriage and happily-ever-after, lies first and foremost, with finding the right person. A lot of folks believe that there may be just one unique individual for every person in the world. I however, beg to differ. Wherever one goes, there is always the possibility of meeting one or more persons who uniquely match our tastes - philosophically, culturally,materially, emotionally and of course, physically (those sure do come a dime a dozen).

Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks here. Why would one person be into another, whilst the other hardly misses a beat? There are a myriad of reasons, reasons which I will discuss in other articles. For now, we’d discuss the most fundamental one: Maybe he/she is not your “true love".

This leads us to a definition of the same. What is true love? Simply put, true love is the epitome of all your needs and desires in the other person, to a large extent. To a large extent? I hear you ask. Surely, to a large extent, because you can NEVER meet another human being who perfectly epitomizes what you truly desire in a significant other. To a large extent, however, it is possible to find such a one, but only just so.

Let’s analyze the last bit of my discourse for instance. Twins born of the same womb would hardly always see eye to eye over the same issue. Husbands and wives, even after 50 years of marriage would still not see eye-to-eye on certain issues, yet they live together: happily, we hope. Hence, why wait for the perfect person?

Humans are basically emotional and whimsical creatures. We are not robots, cannot be programmed to do only the same things. The only way we discipline ourselves is via several years of repetition, till we perform almost by rote. Therefore, we can never be perfect. Not in everything. You can never get another man just the exact flavor, the exact shade, the exact build, the exact manner of laughter, the exact you name it. Even if heor she’s of pristine character, he may defer from his ways just because. Because what? Just because. BECAUSE WHAT? “CAUSE I FELT LIKE IT, OKAY?" Whimsical Creatures.

It could have been anything. The room temperature, the color of the sky, his boss may have spoken rudely to him, he got drenched in the rain, blah, blah, blah.

Okay, so don’t look for perfection. That’s the first general rule of finding true love. In further articles, I will expound further on Finding True Love.

DOES TRUE LOVE EXIST?

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So does true love really exist? Or is it just the name our society has put on the way we feel when we are strongly attracted towards someone? Is true love known to last forever? Can we fall in love more than once? Read on to find out the answer to all these questions and the facts and myths about true love.

Yes the fact is true love does exist even in the present day society but the question remains how to figure out whether your love is true or not?

True love is blind- Yes it's a fact. When your love is true you would not even realize how and when you fell in it. It just happens to you. You would never even know or realize how you developed such feelings but you would have a strong inclination towards the person you love and such feelings would be heart felt.

You would miss that person every moment- This is the real test of your love. You would always miss the person you love each and every moment of your life no matter what. You would always want to be around him or her as much as possible.

The magic never ends- When your love is true the magic never ends. You still get the same feelings and butterflies in your stomach which you used to get when you fell in love for the first time.

Happens only once- Yes it's a hard fact to understand but true love only happens once. In the present day society people tend to change partners like clothes and this is one of the major reasons why most people can't stay with a single partner forever. True love is always about staying with your partner forever.

What you don't know yet- Ever tried to wonder what's in a woman's mind? What is she thinking about? Do you know that women do not always mean what they say? They might say something and mean the exact opposite. But what do women actually want? Do you know there are some secrets women don't want men to know but men absolutely must know these secrets in order to succeed with women? Read on to discover some of the most "Shocking Secrets" women don't want men to know

WHY ARE PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED LATER?

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Reasons to Get Married Later in Life

Are the reasons to get married later in life important enough for you to consider? Only you can decide if getting married now is the right time for you, but there are many reasons that people offer for why they have taken the plunge later in life.

Reasons to Get Married Later in Life
The road to adulthood can be long. Many consider getting an education an important part of becoming an adult. A higher education not only prepares you for your career, it exposes you to different ideas and different cultures. This can have a profound effect on your life. If you are serious about getting an education, you may want to limit your distractions as well as your financial commitments to others until you get your degree or degrees.

You might also want to have an established career before you get married. Growing a career can take additional time commitments that you may not want to give after you have a family, particularly if your job includes extensive travel.

Hopefully, financial stability will go hand-in-hand with career growth. Paying off those student loans and having a savings account will not only lead to less pressure on you, being solvent with savings at the beginning of your marriage can reduce pressure on your relationship.

You might also want to date, travel or be a little self-indulgent before you take the step to be committed to one other person.

There are no age limits to getting married. Some people don't get married for the first time until they are in their 40s or 50s. Everyone's life path is different. Relax and enjoy. You may find that special person when you are the least looking.

Getting married is not a race. It doesn't matter if all of your friends are married and you aren't. Rushing into marriage just to be married can be a huge mistake, not only for you, but for your partner and any children that you might have.

Advantages of getting married late in life

As the years go by, the reasons for getting married, rather than cohabiting, are not the same as for younger couples. When you are young, getting married to the person you love usually seems the obvious way to make a commitment to the relationship. Your life seems bound up in the other person's. You want to be in each other's company as much as possible, to be there for each other at the end of the working day. You want to have children and build a family unit that will take forward the heritage of both of your families, and of the life you forge together.

Many older people have already had children in an earlier marriage. Even if they haven't, they may believe they are now too old, or they may be reluctant to start a family in their later years. Some people think it unfair on the children to land them with elderly parents who won't have the inclination or energy to join them in play and other activities for youngsters.

So why bother to get married? You can still be together as much as you want without the marriage license. In western countries, it's no longer frowned on by respectable people as it once was. But many couples still do it. If you ask a number of them for their reasons, they're likely to come up with quite a variety of advantages for them.

The first, and still probably the most important, could be that of conforming to their religious beliefs or the moral standards they have set for themselves. Older people are more likely to have been brought up at a time when unmarried couples were considered to be "living in sin". They may be part of a community or congregation of like-minded people that they want to keep in their circle of friends. It can be difficult to change the way you have been thinking all your life just because you have met your soul-mate.

Sometimes a couple has been cohabiting for many years and decides to marry simply to ensure the financial security of one party after the other dies. Pension plans that include a percentage for a spouse after death often only apply if the couple are married at the time that the pension is claimed. A will leaving part of your estate to your "other half" can be contested by family members, which is not easy for the survivor to fight at a time when he or she is grieving and vulnerable. If you are a husband or wife of the deceased, your rights are much clearer.

Couples have sometimes decided on a wedding to raise the status of one of the partners in the eyes of the other's family. If you don't have a marriage certificate, people can fail to recognize your commitment to each other, no matter how long you have been together.

Some couples simply say that as they reach retirement age, they have time to organize it. Or that they've finally got around to it and it's about time. On the other hand, it can be a lovely way to celebrate the fact that their relationship has lasted through the years.

Almost all partners who have been together for several years think that getting married won't make a difference to their lives. Afterwards, they've been known to say that somehow it feels different, or it feels right - an un-looked for advantage to marrying later in life.

And whatever their reasons, there is something very moving about seeing a mature couple tying the knot. They've recognized that, after all the different paths they've taken through their lives, they've finally found the place where they each belong. Side by side, to the end.

TREND OF LATE MARRIAGE

Advantages of getting married late in life

9 October 2012

Men, Women, Emotions and Communication

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I overheard two women chatting in the market. One asked the other, "Does your husband talk to you?" Her companion answered, "Of course he talks, he has to ask me what's for dinner, doesn't he?"

I totally understand where they are coming from. Most men have a hard time communicating anything that remotely resembles an emotion. Why? Because emotions are scary to men, who think much more than they feel, and much of the time, many men don't even know what or how they are feeling.

It is interesting to note that women think and feel at the same time, while men can only think or feel. And based on most men's reluctance to embrace their feminine side, it's no wonder they do their level best to stay in their heads.

Guys figure that once they have said the fateful words, "I love you," and the relationship is in full swing there are only three reasons to have a real conversation: sex, money and breaking-up.

So when a woman wants to talk, and the guy realizes he has to think and feel at the same time, just the idea becomes a challenge. So it's easy to understand why men have a harder time talking about feelings, it's because they have to switch gears from their head to their hearts. Sometimes when they have to do it very quickly, they may feel like the life is being sucked out of them.

Most of the time, when a man wants to talk he's thinking, "What do you want to do this weekend?" When a woman says, "Let's talk" guys go to this place in their heads where they start to think, "Oh my God, what did I do now?" Many feel like their relationship is being threatened just because the woman in their lives wants to talk with them. I may be sticking my neck out here, but this could be described as a slight over reaction.

What men need to understand is that when a woman says she wants to talk, she's saying I want to be closer. Unfortunately, when a man hears that he thinks something's wrong.

There are some other interesting facts that can enlighten us as to why it seems that "men don't talk," for example women have twice as many words as men. Women speak at 250 words per minute and men speak at 125, and according to Gary Smalley, author of "Making Love Last Forever" in the course of a day women speak 25,000 words compared to a man who only uses 12,000. It seems that by the end of the day men are talked out and women still have a day's worth of conversation in them. So one of the reasons men don't feel comfortable talking is because most women can out talk them.

Men and women also have different conversational styles. Women tend to talk faster when they get excited and may interrupt their partners who are struggling to find the right words. When this happens their male counterparts may lose track or shut down because they feel cut off and were unable to express what they were feeling. Men find it more difficult to attach words to emotions and getting back on track in an emotional conversation can be very difficult for them.
Understanding how men and women differ when it comes to talking will give everyone a little more empathy when it comes to discussing emotional issues. And understanding one another is a big step when it comes to creating and maintaining an emotionally fit and loving relationship.

Relationships: 10 Communication Differences Between Men and Women

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"You just don't understand!" is a complaint that could originate from either gender. Despite the escalating divorce rate, the truly amazing fact is that couples get together and stay together at all; at least where communication is involved. Women tend to use communication to develop emotional bonds with others. Men use it to obtain a goal, so after it's achieved there should be no further need for communication. This leads to women feeling that men are detached, and men feeling that women are inquisitors.

Both men and women can be caring, combative, task-oriented, and/or romantic. In communication, women seek commonalities while men are more competitive. These differences can result in miscommunication. This gap between men and women is largely a result of nature, not nurture. They are wired differently. Women's brains are better at verbal duties while men's brains perform better on visual-spatial and mathematical exercises. It's no surprise that women prefer to talk and men would rather do than say.

According to Melissa Dittman Tracey, there are five main communication differences between the sexes:1. Women's brains are always "on."
There is more neural activity in the female brain at any given time than in the male brain.

2. Men just want the facts.
Men usually ask fewer questions to stimulate conversation in their work relationships and often end conversations more abruptly than women.

3. Women focus on friendship first.
For female salespeople, they tend to build relationships when they sell. They don't tend to go into a transaction focused on the final outcome but wanting to build rapport and learn more about the client first.

4. Men take it one task at a time.
Men tend to like to focus on one task at a time, whereas women's brains are more geared to multitask.
5. Women remember the little details.
Females can generally remember more physical and relational details than men.

Meanwhile, Susan Sherwood, PhD, maintains that there are 10 specific areas within communication that the genders differ:

1. Nonverbal-Women are more demonstrative while men are more conservative.

2. Body orientation-Women appear more physically engaged, but appearances can be deceiving.

3. Arguments-Men are more direct and less concerned about feelings, while women often approach issues in a more circuitous fashion.

4. Apologies-Women apologize more, hoping to create or sustain connections. Men view apologies as a loss of face.

5. Compliments-Women use these as a way of connecting with others, while men are more likely to offer evaluations and advice.

6. Problem solving-Men prefer action and desire immediate results; women discuss problems and feelings, and look for common experiences to share with others.

7. Negotiation-Women prefer discussion, their goal being agreement. Men feel that this is manipulation. They are more direct and want speedy results.

8. Chatterbox-Surprisingly in the long run men and women talk about the same amount. The differences are in the subject and goals of the discussions. Women talk more to family and close friends, exchanging support and experiences, while men's goal is to exchange information whether at work or in formal or social situations.

9. Interrupting-Women interrupt to demonstrate concern. Men interrupt to try to control the conversation.

10. E-mail-Women send e-mail regarding relationships; men may be seeking information, influence and respect.

Women need to know that a lack of communication on a man's part has more to do with their different wiring, not because of a lack of affection. Men tend to express themselves better through actions more than words. Working to earn money in order to take care of their families is men's easiest expression of love. By the same token men need to understand that women express themselves through verbal communication. Their feelings need to be acknowledged as opposed to explained away.

Seems to me that a deeper and more empathetic understanding of how men and women express themselves can lead to a greater understanding between the sexes.

COMMUNICATION DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

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With the differences between men and women stacking up, it is perhaps no surprise to many that men and women communicate and listen in different ways. But what precisely are the differences between the genders? And is it possible to use these differences to your advantage? Being aware of how best to communicate with your partner is a good way to improve your relationship and ensure that you are both coming away from a conversation on the same page. Similarly, an understanding of how best to communicate will aid you in various walks of life, including work, friendship and family life.

When it comes to listening, men and women both work in different ways. Men have a natural aptitude for problem solving, and this comes across in the way that they take in information. Men listen by thinking of ways they can make a decision and solve the problem. As a result, they are very quick to make decision and work forwards. By contrast, women listen to information by making a mental note of the context of the problem and data points. This allows women to use their collected points of reference to form various solutions to the problem before settling on a desired course of action. This can make them slower than men to come to a solution. If men are more interested in the solution, women are more interested in the journey to the solution.

In conversation, women will often include more details in what they say. This can include memories, their emotions, or encouragement to others to do the same. Women conversing together tend to have conversations with more layers and depth than men, with each woman adding more depth to a topic. On the other hand, men tend to have much simpler conversations, which can often appear clearer than a woman’s conversation. Men tend to have more focused conversations without much detail, and often the length of their points are shorter. Men tend to display their intellect in conversation.

When communicating with the opposite sex, it is worth bearing these differences in mind and trying to work with them rather than against them. For example, as a woman talking to a man, it is worth trying to make your point clear and to the point. If you are making a large and complicated point, break it down into chunks that he can fully understand before moving onto your next point. While women find it easy to follow large statements, a man may find that he is overwhelmed and struggle to remember everything you were saying. Also make sure that you do not interrupt him.

Men talking to women should bear in mind that women respond well to your emotional reactions. If she is making what you feel to be a long and complicated point, try to follow it rather than breaking it down for her. Try not to solve her problems for her, but instead try to focus on the emotional aspect of what she is communicating and connect with that instead. These techniques can take a while to master, as unconscious conversation techniques take time and effort to alter, but it is worth bearing in mind that making an effort to speak the other gender’s language can make a real difference in your communication with them.

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Why do men and women have such difficulty communicating with one another?

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You Just Don't Understand

That men and women are on different wavelengths when it comes to communicating is probably not news to you. Tannen's research shows that the differences between the communication styles of men and women go far beyond mere socialization, and appear to be inherent in the basic make up of each sex.

Tannen first noticed these differences when studying videotapes another researcher had made of best friends asked to have a conversation together. In contrast to the girls, boys were extremely uncomfortable with this request. Girls in all age groups would face each other and immediately began to talk, eventually ending up discussing the problems of one girl. Boys, on the other hand, sat parallel to each other and would jump from topic to topic--centered around a time when they would do something together.

Tannen observed that,

"For males, conversation is the way you negotiate your status in the group and keep people from pushing you around; you use talk to preserve your independence. Females, on the other hand, use conversation to negotiate closeness and intimacy; talk is the essence of intimacy, so being best friends means sitting and talking. For boys, activities, doing things together, are central. Just sitting and talking is not an essential part of friendship. They're friends with the boys they do things with."

It's not hard, from even these simple observations, to see the potential problems when men and women communicate. Women create feelings of closeness by conversing with their friends and lovers. Men don't use communication in this way, so they can't figure out why their women are continually talk, talk, talking. Eventually, many men just tune their women out. The ubiquitous image of the housewife at the breakfast table talking to her husband who has his head buried in the newspaper comes to mind.

Tannen notes that men are confused by the various ways women use conversation to be intimate with others. One of these ways she calls "troubles talk." She says, "For women, talking about troubles is the essence of connection. I tell you my troubles, you tell me your troubles, and we're close. Men, however, hear troubles talk as a request for advice, so they respond with a solution." When a man offers this kind of information the woman often feels as if he is trying to diminish her problem or cut her off.

In his eyes, he's being supportive, because men don't talk to each other about their troubles unless they really do want a solution; talking about their problems is wallowing in them. The man doesn't realize that his woman was simply trying to establish a certain kind of intimacy with him--inviting him to reciprocate and share himself with her. Because of these essential differences in approach, Tannen says that the most common complaint she hears from men about women "...is that women complain all the time and don't want to do anything about it...Men misunderstand the ritual nature of women's complaining."

An interesting dance emerges from these different approaches: The woman, craving closeness and intimacy with her man, talks to him about her problems with friends, family, her job, etc. She seeks to have her man respond as her girlfriends have always done, and talk with her about his concerns. The man, however, hears these conversations as requests for advice, not intimacy. He considers the problem and offers a solution, or dismisses the issue, as the boys he knew always did. When his woman continues to go on about these same concerns, showing no movement to consider his advice, he becomes confused and eventually angry; he begins to believe that his woman is an expert at talking about nothing. The woman begins to feel that her man doesn't care about her because he won't talk to her in a way that feels intimate.

It is important for women to understand that men's communicating is all about status. Think about all those nature shows you've ever seen on PBS. The prime goal of male beasties is to be able to mate; to do this they must be powerful enough to challenge the lead males in the herd. As they grow up, they bide their time by establishing a pecking order. When a beastie is big and strong enough to have most of the other males "under" him, he is ready to take on the "old man." If he wins the fight, he gets to mate with the females of his choice (and they will mate only with him).

Tannen has found that human males behave in exactly the same way. She discussed the research of Marjorie Goodwin, who studied boys in Philadelphia for a year and a half. "She found that boys give orders as a way of gaining social status. The high-status boys gave orders just to maintain their dominance, not because they particularly needed the thing done. And the boys who were being told what to do were low status, by virtue of doing what they were told."

This dynamic is important to remember when looking at another major area of miscommunication between men and women. Women cannot understand the resistance men seem to have when asked for assistance or consideration of some kind or another. Women must remember the above scenario and understand that, for men, doing what they're asked to do means they have lost status in that relationship. Men often feel that women are trying to manipulate them. What a woman might see as a simple request--no big deal-- is seen by her man an attempt to manipulate him into a "one-down" position.

Tannen discusses this issue further:

"Women want men to do what we want. We want them to want to do what we want, because that's what we do. If a woman perceives that something she's doing is really hurting a man, she wants to stop doing it. If she perceives that he really wants her to do something, she wants to do it. She thinks that that's love and he should feel the same way about her. But men have a gut-level resistance to doing what they're told, to doing what someone expects them to do. It's the opposite response of what women have." She reminds readers that, of course, there are men who are very helpful toward their women. "But if a man is going to be touchy, it's more likely to go in that direction. Whereas if a woman is insecure, she's more likely to go in the other direction, [and] be super- accommodating."

In sharp contrast to the communication style of men, which seeks to establish and maintain status and dominance, women's communicating is more egalitarian, or rule-by-consensus. When women get together they seek the input of the other women present and make decisions based on the wishes of all. Tannen notes that this type of communication style is becoming more important, and is in alignment with the Japanese style of management. Men doing business with Japanese companies often have to radically change their style of communicating to accommodate the more personal and intimate approach of the Japanese businessman.

One may get the impression from this discussion that women's style of communicating is superior to men's. Indeed, since the dawning of the women's movement there have been many declaring that men just don't know how to communicate (because they don't communicate like women). Sensitivity courses galore have been offered in hopes of teaching men to communicate more like women. However, Tannen states that there is nothing pathological about men's style of communication, and that women's communicating also has it's down-sides.

One fact I found particularly fascinating follows from women's communication style of consensus-building. With women, consensus means thinking alike, being in agreement, being the SAME! When one woman in a group decides to go her own way in some matter, there is often trouble: "If a girl does something the other girls don't like, she'll be criticized, or even ostracized...What do girls put other girls down for? For standing out, for seeming better than the others...I mean, really--no wonder people talk about women's fear of success!" In shock, Peggy Taylor, asked, "So you're saying the female mode prevents excellence?" And Tannen replied, "It prevents displaying it."

Pretty interesting, eh? I imagine that there are a fair number of women out there who have experienced that kind of isolation from their friends(?) at some time in their lives. It is unfortunate that exceptional women not only find themselves up against men who are threatened by their success, but are often faced with their sisters throwing stones in their path too. This need for consensus--for being alike--is something women need to explore further if we sincerely wish to support each other in advancing our individual goals and dreams.

In closing, Tannen makes the point that both sexes need to understand the inherent differences in their communication styles so that they don't expect the impossible. There is middle ground where men and women can meet and find understanding. Women must learn that the kind of intimate talk they have with their girlfriends should remain just that. Trying to turn your man into a girlfriend will usually fail because men, in general, don't create feelings of closeness in that way. Men, too can understand that when their woman is talking, she is attempting to connect to him--she's not just talking to talk, nor is she trying to readjust the status of their relationship. By sharing more of himself he shows her, in a way she can understand, that he's not pushing her away; that he does indeed love her and want to be close to her.

After reading this article, it's easy to see that a major source of fuel for the battle between the sexes is this vastly different way of communicating. Perhaps if men stopped expecting women to communicate like men, and women stopped trying to get men to communicate like women, we would have enough energy left to appreciate how each sex compliments the other in a wonderful way. Life would be pretty boring if men and women were the same (and I'm not referring to naughty bits here!) Viva la difference-- what a challenging way to learn about life and each other!